you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
