Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
