she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
