I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Can Purell be used as lube?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
