the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
