also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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