thus making me awesome and them whores
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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