Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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