atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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