I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
