I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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