You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
