I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
