cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it's like iHOP with fire
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
