i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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