It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
