The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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