just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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