i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This is the high leading the old right now
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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