Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
