I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
