How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
