if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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