he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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