My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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