Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
