Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
