And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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