the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
