Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
