Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
