i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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