as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
