yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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