i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
it's like iHOP with fire
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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