My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
