So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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