I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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