i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
