Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
