Joe is yelling at the trees again.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
