allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
