babies were throwing up all over the place
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
