You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
