Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
