A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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