last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
