You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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