i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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