Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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