Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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