I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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